On bad food and amorous ghosts

e ShInner Dj’s spinning : “Lebanese Blonde” by Thievery Corporation 

 Culinary mistakes 

Do not go to Riceboat, leaf through the rather elaborate menu card and then order Mutton Biryani. It amounts to hara-kiri despite whatever the waiter may profess. The traditionally Muslim dish isn’t exactly a cuisine trump card for the Kerela centric eatery. We( The Brit Nit Wit and I) discovered this a little too late and only after having chowed down an entire bowl of pineapple flavored meat with odd pieces of cherries. Leave the fruits/dry fruits with meat combinations and permutations to the Moroccan kitchens please. We will like appams and aviyals if you will, please.

Avoid mid-nite buffets in Bombay. In fact avoid mid-nite buffets, period. Unless of course, you like the idea of proffering yourself as a human trash can for the day’s un-utilized or partially utilized food that some of the hotels will offer you at a fairly exorbitant price.

Sample why.

The Crew visited Juhu late last night for the mid night buffet.
This, after a sumptuous spread of crab cakes and fish cutlets pre-dinner, at work. However when the Brit Nit Wit proposes even Gods relent and being a mere mortal, I have no protection from the way she feels(when she doesn’t get things done her way!).

The Venue – Sun and Sand
Grand entrance et al in place, we settle down and await the remaining 3 who comprise the sextet. The aroma is positively assaulting our olfactory nerve/s and yet We decide to play civil and wait. For 5 minutes, that is. Mr Bell and I decide to take a small tour of the buffet area. Small in literal and virtual sense, since it’s a cardboard box size enclosure that hosts the buffet. Everything looks frightfully ancient as though they cooked it in 1935 and its not exactly meant for consumption, but, merely, for gently and distant viewing.
Salads are colorful and that’s a fact but when your salad sports a radioactive pink hue, you might want to check the kitchen, if only just to confirm whether they are cooking with Uranium or Plutonium cylinders as opposed to regular LPG.
All’s not lost yet, the stuffed fish in gherkins is mediocre in a piecemeal situation but compared to everything else on the platter, is just fabulous.
As a genuine soupophobe, I refuse, to even casually glance at the pots that contained some of the most odd combinations of Thai v/s Chinese concoctions.
Main course is hideously awry. There is the regular palak paneer and rajma(I kid you not!) and sesame toast. The veggies include some disconcerting combinations of broccoli and mushrooms. From pre historic times though. The bread at the table can give you a root canal at the cheapest possible rate this side of Bandra and without a suffocating dentist or an inadequate hygenist. The cannelloni is a respite from all the other culinary misfires that are aimed at unsuspecting (and drunk) eaters. Non-vegetarian fare is equally mediocre despite the fact that at the adjacent table a Yul Brynner-on-steriods-and-range-6-tan must have piled enough chicken on his plate to feed the entire population of Zaire. More Power to the pills!
The best thing about desserts is the fruit plate since it doesn’t actually involve any cooking! The Gulab Jamuns are equivalent to the frozen version of sweetened syrup.
Coconut pie is flaky and stale. Walnut pie/brownie mix should be seized by Dubya and co as weapons of mass destruction.
What I did like though was the Rice and Dal fry. I do suspect that they didn’t cook it in-house and instead outsourced it the dhaba next door!

(Un)Eventful as the meal was, the place is not entirely shabby. The portico is wide and a quick stroll wouldn’t do anyone any harm, so We ventured outside.
There is something to be said for being able to watch a slightly violent sea hitting against the sand at 3:00 am. Unfortunately, I can’t say it coz I was too busy scaring or watching other people scare some other people even as we discussed the possibility of the place being haunted.
Since its me and my sojourns, it has to be that the night ends on a curious and slightly eerie note. Just as we were gathering our belongings, wits and shards of our lost appetite, we spotted a rather dejected soul walking along the beach. And I don’t mean soul in a sentient way. He inched closer to the sea and we waited with bated breath to see if he is there to confirm/check/give into his suicidal instincts or if he is just direction-challenged male of the species.
He stops. We watch. No movement except the gleaming, noisy sea kicking at the land like a new born baby.
Still, no movement.

“Do you think he will kill himself?”
“I think, he already is dead?”
 Silence.
Collective negation.

“Should we yell?”
“Should we take pictures?”
Hmmm
“Should we pelt stones at him?”
Collective smile.

“Can you see his right hand..coz I can’t?
“Me neither”
Hmmmm
Collective wonderment.

“Do you think is answering nature’s call?”
“Must run a pretty huge bill if that’s the duration of the call!”

Collective light bulb moment

“I think he might is indulging in a little err self-play!”
“Ouch ouch ouch…”
“Yes”
“Argh, No..You mean..”
“Yes..”

This is far more disturbing than the idea that he was about to commit suicide.
Yes, We have a life. Unfortunately, its not interesting enough so often feel the need to pry into other people’s lives. Want to jostle about that? Huh?

End of that night/morning.

Updated :

Parting Sho t: Horror Movie Montage/Discussion
“See, I think The Grudge was insane.”
“Hell, at least you knew the premise or the genre before you went to see it. My wife asked me to watch The Ring with her and I thought, well, what could it be about at the best…a wedding ring, an engagement ring..its 10 minutes into the show that I realized that no one is getting married in this movie.”
Ahem.

~ by iconoplastic on March 22, 2007.