Sound and Fury…and other stuff

“I need, above all, a new estrangement, a still more intense depersonalisation. “

Woke up to the delicate strains of “Trains” (Porcupine Tree) and a smiling morning. After a really long time, it felt alright to leave the comfort zone behind.
For the 3 and a half readers who still manage to venture where angels fear to tread, yes I’m alive.
Was drowning the tetchy, geeky self in mammoth manuals that will enable me to be a “certified” delinquent is just one of the many anomalies of the life that runs in my veins these days.
In the air, the congested cafes, Prithvi’s play rooms, the showers, greasy mounts of noodles at roadside joints – everywhere – the only conversation pertains to that horribly paced demon – Age. Of what age I am and what age shall I be. In a while. And if any of it is really important.
Is it even appropriate to consider it with so much seriousness? Afterall am not getting out alive anyway.
Philip Kapleau and I should’ve indulged in some discussions because some of his concepts are leaving me more than slightly befuddled. Yet, Zazen is undoubtedly the discovery of the year.
Started writing professionally. Organized religion and organized writing are equal beasts. Take my word for it. Can’t even contemplate sitting down to pen an actual book. The fat carrots not withstanding. Food reviews are such a cakewalk. No puns. Really.
Btw, a swollen ring finger. Sigh.
So, changes, there have been galore. The Bald Beagle has been exited. Which means a new boss and preferrably a newer approach towards management. Strangely enough, my boss was my longest relationship in the last 4 odd years. Committed alright!

Coming back to this moment…

When I hear the engine pass
I’m kissing you wide
The hissing subsides
I’m in luck

There is still a sense of stability that one often grows to dislike. Well, if one happens to be ME!
Much power is conferred upon such tacit daybreaks. The physical condition leaves immense scope for desperation. The first quarter of the day’s showdown, the Corpus and I often wake up to such intimate and obligatory fights. A non-existent itinerary prevails, causes more pain than the bones that went break. My omitted muse, offer me something tangible. Offer me something beyond the realms of this ill-stationed quietude. Even if a slow, chary requiem that visors Astoria’s dissonance coupled with mine. Decree that infidelity is just a state of mind. That I always carry with me all I have ever tried to leave behind. A crazed night collapses over the semi-constructed Bridge, allayed, if at all, by a deadpan dawn. I am staring at the inert city. You mirror me. We both miss movement, displacement, and the ability to leave our current lives aside.

Walking means to lose the way. Into the untamed heart of a mad town. To be gnawed a little by its feral tendencies, to revel in its nihilistic nocturne. To watch crowds throng places of modern worship, a leitmotif from a jazz bar or a wicked scat club. Amidst failing sounds and resounding lights, one opaque wall embowers the holy shrine, the Studio of sin. The clearinghouse of peccadilloes. Invocations surmount, in fact I ‘d resort to any imprudence to escape such incredible torpor. Such option-less status.

Travel plans made. Now time to see them through.
Spent a good amount of time pretending am 4 months preggers and in the event cheesing off the Alternative Frock substantially. Embarrassing would be the right word.
Missing No One. Incredible. I’ve transcended nostalgia. For now.

“What age am I? I do not know – as little as I know how young I shall become….”

p.s.: Dear Love, thanks for holding on. You were right.


~ by iconoplastic on February 28, 2008.

2 Responses to “Sound and Fury…and other stuff”

  1. I like the “… still more intense depersonalisation…”, could possibly echo the sentiment though perhaps from the opposite spoke on the wheel.

    age is that most impotent behemoth that alternately looms ahead and shrivels up at every other question for me. but I think, all said and done, it is really quite inappropriate and ineffectual,towards anything.

    zazen sounds very intriguing though.

  2. Media tries so hard to convince me that 24 is the new 35. I am constantly fed information on how “old” I am.
    I wonder if the previous generations felt as jaded as we do at this age.
    Then again, its every generation’s cross to bear.
    Zazen is fantastic. Difficult as hell too!

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