Jump

To Tinkerbell,
(My dear girl this is for you)

Life’s gonna drop you down like a limb from a tree
It sways and it swings and it bends until it makes you see

Experiential seekers tell us that the best way to overcome anger is to forgive. I am doing exactly that with You. Forgiving Your ignorance of who I am and more importantly , who You are. Its ok. I don’t hurt, anymore. I am on my way to comprehension and detachment. Of life and of what comes with it. I don’t regret falling in love or pursuing it. I don’t hold disdainful grudges against purveyors of pain. I am alright. I have to be. I owe it to myself to be fine.
Cooking , writing et al are considered therapeutic, well, the last time I stepped into the kitchen, my microwave learnt to paraglide so I stuck to a less acrobatic activity – writing. It’s a known fact that you can’t write bout suffering when you are amidst it. Now, that it has been lived through, I have managed to develop something similar to an actual perspective of the whole situation.
Today, you smile at it , toss an errant mane lining your forehead when it crinkles at the mere thought of such inhuman treatment meted out to you, all coz you “fell in love”. Details of what I went through should be spared, though in the very least I must say that the forsaken night where you want to jump off the ledge and just end it all, do it. Jump off the ledge. Not the physical one though, jump off that emotional barricade you’ve created and end it right there.

No, you don’t have to bend and break and shatter to a thousand pieces to make someone come back to you. No, you don’t have to stop being you just so that someone else can feel a lot better bout their inability to be themselves. If they didn’t care bout you when you had needles puncturing your veins or when you lost your estranged parent in the most tragic of circumstances, then chances are that you are better off without them anyway. Just accept it and get on with life. Its a much better choice.

I am stronger than I ever thought I’d be. I m fearless enough to walk into the oncologist’s cubicle at the hospital and utter the 2 most dreaded words – “What’s next?” I am not the happiest but I am happy enough right now. I am alone. As I have always been in the hours when I was battling abuse, disease, loss and everything else. I am triumphant as I was in those hours. And I feel complete.

I don’t need someone to make me feel like a criminal for wanting something or someone(thank you Mr Rollins). I won’t let someone do that to me coz its just a colossal waste of emotional space. So is the anger.

You need to be complete without the drama and the emotional torture you dole out to yourself. You don’t have to constantly measure your worth against someone else’s ego. Its the most futile of exercises. Niether do you have to allow your intelligent mind to essentially become someone’s doormat of choice. No altruistic agenda either. Just slowly learn to understand who you are and you can be and what you don’t ever want to be just coz it would make someone else like you a little better.

Just cross over. Make it right for yourself.

There’s only so much you can learn in one place
The more that I wait, the more time that I waste

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~ by iconoplastic on August 27, 2007.

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