Pain

“Life is a sum of its parts”

“But..what if you don’t remember the parts well enough for them to fit together?”

 1:40 pm, at the oncologist’s desk.

“Its alveolar sarcoma and something else, malignant.”

“Cancer?”

“Don’t label it, it can be treated though its the rarest form.”

“Cancer?”

“Can we please not…” Cut short.

“Cancer”

No response.

“So what do we do next?”

“Take the vacation. We will start with the therapy bit once you are back”

“Am I going to die?”

Silence.

“So?”

“Not if I have my shot at it though it seems like its more complicated than before, you won’t, some of it will be painful but I know you can deal with it.”

“Pain is overrated”. Slight Smile.

“So…That dying thing, is it a possibility?”

“You know we don’t have to talk bout it now.”

“No R, we have to, I need to know how much does it harm so I can do the things I intend to do.” Pause. “Don’t tell mum, will ya?”

“Ok.” “There are complications though, and we need to do tests immediately.”

“When?”

“Tomorrow?”

“Sure. Should I wear pink?”

“I can’t believe you can make jokes about it.”

“I can’t cry either coz am all cried out right now.”

“You know you can cry.” Pause. “Why are your hands bandaged?”

“I can’t cry coz its dried up.”

“Your hands?”

“Bit myself while playing racquet ball”.

“You can’t fucking do that to yourself.”

“Doc, I don’t need the preaching, enough number of pre pubscent teens are fucking preaching me. Let’s focus on what you need to do. This thing, if we can cure it and how long will it take.”

“I want you to know that I will do whatever it takes to make you ok.”

“That makes two of us.”

“You are thinking about?”

“I am going to hate cutting my hair, its taken me 6 months to grow it. Chemo sucks.”

Death is a comma. A pause.

– E.M. Ashford

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~ by iconoplastic on March 30, 2007.

8 Responses to “Pain”

  1. Its a public blog board but I can’t help but write down a few things for you after reading this post.
    You are an extra-ordinary woman(Notice, how I said woman?)I’ve had the fortune of knowing. You are one of the most, if not the most, brilliant person I have met on a subway!(laughing?)Your touch still lingers amidst all the lives who’ve blessed with your wit, your humor, your smile. Enchanting and ethereal. Someday, you will probably see yourself the way we see you. Its a remarakable person, you know. You have given a lot to me and to the others who surround you. There is still a journey that you need to undertake and I know you are not going down without a war. You are not like that.

    Ignoring the last few months of chaos, you are an exceptionally well-balanced person. You WILL win this. You know it. We know it. And when you win it, your heart will be so strong from the experience that you will be able to uproot anything you’d like(the way it used to be 2 years ago!) single handedly!! The formal Schezi way!

    I have a lot of love and respect for you, senorita. Lots. You are not alone in this, you need to know. As for chemo(if it ever came to that), haven’t you heard that the new summer/spring trend is bald. 😉

  2. For winter’s rains and ruins are over,
    And all the season of snows and sins;
    The days dividing lover and lover,
    The light that loses, the night that wins;
    And time remember’d is grief forgotten,
    And frosts are slain and flowers begotten,
    And in green underwood and cover
    Blossom by blossom the spring begins.

  3. ¡hóla! mam sita!
    commas estas..que va?
    i get this nagging feelin’ your post is gonna be flooded by comments so brace yourself!
    chica ..i aint gettin soppy like everybody else..i know you hate tht shit.. i just wanna come here and tell ya ..you dont need nobody to tell ya what goes next…you know it yourself..dontcha? c’mon princess…we’ve seen worse..we’ve handled worse..you from the tough stock..so big fuck for the big C..Es una lástima.. you gonna kick its ass..life loves ya too much to give up on ya …its only when you give up on it..and you aint makin a bad choice…am sure of tht..
    hasta luego..mi absinthe fairy..hahahaha

  4. Someone called someone who called someone else and then someone called me. I appreciate people waking me up from my slumber. I often club them with a rather heavy wrench but I refrained this time.
    Do you know why?
    Because its about Thee.
    Forgive me my lack of coherency because the tour is killing my back and also my sex drive, which I guess is not the point here. I was deadly worried about you when Kai called. Then I realized that we be speakin’ bout you – the Mighty Allegra 😛
    I have no original words to offer but I read at Michigan last week and following quote so hauntingly belonged to you :
    “A new mystery sings in your bones. Cultivate your legitimate strangeness.”
    That was then, now, after reading the post and being updated by the Kai, impatience to see you and the fury over fate are crowding my mind. In simpler words — I am thinking of you..I am with you..
    Rest will be emailed in a bit. Take care.

  5. You – the savant, always nearing the guileless purpose of life.
    You – He may never appreciate completely. He may never compensate for all his wrongs entirely.

    And still You don’t desert the sinner. Though he will play truant ever so often dancing violently on that soft foam ebullient surface of your heart.

    You still let Him in. You still bring Him back, held Him together without any foolhardy attempts to own Him. And you allowed Him his leeway when He disappeared without goodbyes, ever so frequently.

    Maybe, coz you know that wherever he might be, he only has one thing on his mind.

    Remember when I wrote that?
    Love

  6. thanks. much @ all
    🙂

  7. Knock, Knock..
    I have suggestions:

    1) You will be just fine. You are meant for bigger and better things.

    2) Start packing for the move back to NYC.

    2) Get rid of that asshole you’ve been ruing over for the last century. He is a fucktard. A major one at that!

    4) Smile. You look gorgeous when you do.

    Y

  8. Hey!!!
    I am online..We need to talk..flight’s cancelled.. 😦
    and excellent suggestions!!

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